Know your history, dudes! Abe Lincoln did something far more heroic (and badass) than just ‘freeing the slaves’

Ed Park, MD News Leave a Comment

Today is the birthday of our 16th American president, Abraham Lincoln.  If TA-65 had been discovered in the 19th century (by someone other than the Count of Saint Germain), President Lincoln would now be turning 205 years old, tweeting like a boss from his yacht staffed by models recruited from the KGB and the Mossad and using his personal brand as a consultant helping to rehabilitate Governor Chris Christie’s run for the presidency. Sound a bit fanciful and far-fetched? Perhaps no more so than what our Hollywood movie system served us in 2012.

For those of you who don’t know, in 2012 a $69M movie that grossed $116M was spawned that sought to recast and even augment our reverence for this great man. It was called (wait for it…..)

“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”. 

And it is about just that: Abraham Lincoln is a vampire hunter. I kid you not.



For those of you viewers playing along with our home game, I submit the following multiple-choice question:

The 2012 movie, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” best represents:

A)  Kitschy and ersatz lowbrow art possibly created to mock the lowbrow sensibilities of moviegoers

B)  A post-modernist opus in the proud tradition of “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer”

C)  An example of cinematic hubris that spawned a work of monumental cognitive dissonance

D)  A sign of the apocalypse and the cultural syphilis that Hollywood movie-making represents

E)  All of the above

In all fairness to the creators of said magnum opus of haute cultural import, I have not actually seen this movie. Shame on me. Who knows? With “Harold and Maude” and “Dr. Strangelove” ranking as my #1 and #2 favorite movies, perhaps I would have enjoyed it.  But based on this reviewer’s comments, I’m going to risk not investing 105 minutes of my attention span on something with such a inauspicious premise to stir the ‘better angels of [my] nature.’

“Someone forgot to tell the filmmakers … that the movie was supposed to be fun. Or at least smart.”

-Joe Morgenstern, The Wall Street Journal

Although… I might reconsider if there was a drinking game with hipster friends that involved take a swig of beer every time we felt an uncontrollable urge to chortle in disbelief and/or disgust…

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